[NSFW] Is Dark Souls F****n’ Sweet?

DarkSoulsBoxArt
9 Overall Score
Sweetness: 8/10
Badassitude: 10/10
Ass-kickery: 9/10

Sweet weapons, armor and monsters.

A weak dragon and internet jabronies trying to cramp my style.

I know what question everybody is asking themselves right now:

“I saw this game called Dark Souls the other day, so I read about it, and it seems really sweet. The thing is, it also seems really difficult. It might even be hard enough to make me its bitch, because I usually play games on normal mode, because I suck at pretty much everything I do and really tough games cut into the times I would normally go to my pottery class or tampon shopping. So, I simply have to know, is Dark Souls sweet enough for me to miss my next few pottery classes for?”

To this, dear readers, I respond as such:

“Dark Souls is pretty fuckin’ sweet. Way sweeter than pottery class. Even those pottery classes that let you make totally sweet stuff, like statues of dudes with swords and naked chicks. Yeah, it’s THAT sweet.”

While you can, and should, just take my word for how awesome Dark Souls is; somebody, somewhere is probably looking for some sort of an explanation as to why I feel this way. That person is a total nerd. But, I’ll review the game anyways, because my pottery class tonight was canceled.

 

*May or may not be factually accurate.


 

DARK SOULS HAS TOTALLY AWESOME STUFF IN IT

Dark Souls is chock-full of totally badass shit. It has badass monsters, items, NPC’s, places you can go and stuff you can do.
For starters, you can make your dude really awesome. You can use sweet swords, wicked daggers, huge axes, spells that look totally sweet, cool-ass armor and a bunch of other stuff. Different pieces of equipment and spells are better against certain enemy types, so if you’re a geek who doesn’t just want to fuck everything up, then you can find the bad guys’ weaknesses and exploit those. In Dark Souls, you can even get scythes to fight with! Scythes look evil as fuck, and looking evil is totally wicked, so I recommend getting one, that way all of the bad guys can piss their pants when they see you. I made all the bad guys scared as shit.

This dude is so grim and frostbitten.
This dude is so grim and frostbitten.

Speaking of bad guys, the monsters are totally bad-fuckin’-ass, especially the bosses. One of the bosses was this huge golem dude that was made of metal and had this huge, sweet axe, but I beat his ass without even trying. Another boss was this big, centipede-looking dragon whose ass I totally beat too. My favorite boss was probably this giant spider that had a hot, naked chick where its gross spider head should have been. Even though she was part hot chick, I kicked her ass and it was still really fuckin’ sweet.

The places you can go are all, of course, really sweet. There’s like, this big demon place with lava and stone buildings. There are big demons hanging out there doing sweet demon stuff. They aren’t afraid of anything, except for me. They know I’m a one-man can-opener of whoop-ass, so they usually just run away and pee their pants as soon as they see me. It’s kinda gross. There’s also this big catacomb cave-area that’s really dark and has cool coffins and stuff everywhere. It looked like a sweet album cover, maybe for a band named CatacomballicA or something. Oh, yeah, there’s also a big forest with plant guys to beat up and in the forest there’s a lake with a big hydra in it. If you don’t know what a hydra is, it’s like a shitload of dragons all got together and like melted or fused or something. So, now, it’s just one huge fucking dragon with like a hundred dragon heads. The heads can all do badass stuff too, like spit magical acid at you, and bite your face off. The only thing more badass than a hydra is probably me, cause they are totally fuckin’ awesome.


I thought this was Sara Jessica Parker at first. Then I saw the tail.

There are some cool-ass items in this game, too. You can get firebombs, throwing knives and stuff to cover your weapon in fire or electricity. It’s so fuckin’ sweet to have a giant sword all covered in fire and lightning and stuff. You can even make special weapons out of the souls of the bosses you beat. I had this big-ass, spider leg sword that I made from that hot, naked spider chick’s soul, and it was covered in fire. It was so totally badass. Nobody wanted to fuck with me, especially not any spiders.


She has a sister who’s still alive, in case there are any Furries reading this.

You get to do some pretty awesome stuff, too. I mean, like, mostly it is just fucking everybody and everything up all the time, but sometimes you can get this big-ass bird dude to pick you up and drop you off somewhere. It was pretty cool, he didn’t even charge me anything.

Oh yeah, one cool thing you can do is let other people in your game to help you with stuff. You can summon them like they’re people-Pokemon from these signs on the ground and they’ll go and fight stuff with you so that the bad guys are even more fucked. You can summon dudes from the game, or real people from the internet. The people on the internet were usually pretty cool, but sometimes they got jealous of how completely badass I was. I didn’t care though. I was too busy fucking everything up.


JUST like Pokemon.



DARK SOULS ALSO HAS SOME STUFF THAT IS NOT TOTALLY AWESOME

Even though most of the stuff in Dark Souls is really fuckin’ badass, there was some stuff in the game that was not that awesome.

For starters, even though dragons are totally fucking sweet all of the time, the first dragon I fought wouldn’t even come up to me and fight me. He just sat on top of this building breathing fire like a scared, little punk-ass. I guess I can’t really blame him, he probably heard a shitload of rumors about how I just came outta nowhere and started royally fucking everything up like a tornado of badassness, but he still should have manned up and stepped to me. I got like no respect for that dragon.


A disgrace to dragons everywhere.

Another thing that was way less sweet than almost everything else was when other dudes invaded my game. They would come into my world and try to step to me, so I would just go Swayze all over their punk asses. They musta been dumb or some shit. They always had some lame-ass name too, like IlovePEE-NutBUTTer or CopsNRubbers. I don’t know what the fuck was going on with all of that shit. It’s like, you got your own game anyways, so go play Cops and Rubbers somewhere else, dude.


Oh, so THIS is how you play Cops and Rubbers.

One last thing that should’ve been way sweeter was the ending. I’m not gonna ruin it, cause I’m not that much of a douche, so I’ll just tell you what SHOULDA happened.

‘Alright, so like you kill the end boss, but he/she’s totally just being a pussy pretending to be all dead. So, when you turn around to leave, that motherfucker does some flippy, jumpy luchador stuff and comes flying at you with a big-ass flaming sword made of lava and lightning and skeletons. But, you were on to this dude’s shit, you could smell it a mile away, so you Jet Li back-flip out of the way and pull out two big-ass motherfucking scythes. You jump right back at this ass-clown and go totally apeshit all over him/her. The camera can’t even keep track of how much scythe-fucking is going on, it’s all blurry, just lines and stuff like some Dragon Ball Z shit. Then you land on the ground in a cool pose on one knee, not even looking at the camera, and your scythes aren’t even in your hands anymore, they’re in some invisible scythe-holsters you got on your back, so they look super fuckin’ awesome. Then you just see a fuckton of blood and body parts and stuff fall down all over the ground and your dude looks up at the camera slowly. He stares at the camera for a few seconds, til the last pieces of guts are done falling and says, “Now I shall, REIGN IN BLOOD!” Then fuckin’ Raining Blood starts playing and the end credits roll while Slayer shreds your face off with wicked solos and evil-ass lyrics.’ Oh man, that is the fuckin’ sweetest shit ever.

 


 

DARK SOULS WILL MAKE YOU ITS BITCH

 Yeah, Dark Souls will probably make you cry like a little punk. I mean, I beat the fuck out of this game and didn’t even use two hands, I was eating Totino’s pizza rolls the whole time. Still, many people talk about how hard it is. A lot of players might be scared of the difficulty, and I understand that. I mean, you probably have some Sex and the City reruns that you’ve been meaning to watch anyways. So, this begs the question, “Who would want to spend a bunch of time getting their asses handed to them over and over in a brutally difficult game?”

MOTHERFUCKERS WITH BALLS, THAT’S WHO.


Totino’s® has no affiliation with TheRealGamers.net and more than likely shares none of its opinions.


 

THE VERDICT

Dark Souls is fuckin’ sweet.

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Author: Jeph Jepherson View all posts by
I'm the white Usher.